Oh, wow it’s April. I thought about skipping a month of ‘stacks because, well, I’m fried.
I just finished Lyn Slater’s incredible new book entitled “How to be Old” and it struck me, that, not only was I reading a book for the first time in a while, but also, I could so relate to so many things she was saying. If you haven’t read it, you simply must.
I’m going to be real open. I’m not a girl who likes to show you my outfits, or visually depict myself at all. That’s not my jam. It’s never been, and social media has not at all inspired me to do so. In fact, quite the opposite. I give people so much credit for sharing their outfits or posing with pieces of art or friends of dinner entrees, but it ain’t me, babe. No no no. It ain’t me babe. I don’t know why I have such an aversion to it, but I do. Will I ever get over it? Who the heck knows. I’m about to turn 54 and perhaps that ship has sailed. But as Lyn Slater refers to that period when one begins to question what’s next as the “what nowness”, I’m open to exploring how to further share versions of myself. I’m just not quite sure of what that looks like yet.
I mean, could I get more followers by showing you my outfits? Is that really true? Do I need to devote more time to thinking on a book and how that could materialize? I’ve got no shortage of stories to tell, that’s for sure. But lately my energy is a bit flat. I find myself fuzzy and in need of rest. I’m not depressed at all. Just the moments I have to myself I want to curl up vs. activate. That’s where I’m at. Have I been saying that for a while, ps? My brain needs a B12 shot.
What is it about my personality that always has me thinking about what’s next and not being satisfied with exactly where I am? I’ve often said that I’m always exactly where I need to be and have a good sense of where I fit into a cultural moment, and right now, everything seems to be about getting older, and since I’m doing that right alongside all of you, isn’t there more I can say and do or should I just be cool (though something tells me I have more ‘going’ to do).
Do I respect the moment or fight for a future that feels more out of bounds in the best of ways? Jury is out. But I’ll tell you what.
There’s just always this voice telling me “go a little further. There’s more”. Not more money or more shoes. A much deeper “more”. I want that more. I crave that more. I need that more.
Truth is, I’m taking good care for whatever’s on the way. Pilates all the time. Eating very well and going back to plant based which I haven’t done since I’m in my 20s. Not drinking much at all (not going anywhere helps with that). Cutting way down on caffeine. Working with people I like on brands I enjoy. Protecting myself from energy vamps and cuckoo birds. Going to bed early. Going on long walks with Gidget and staying close to home. I think what I really need is a trip somewhere with patina to spark some inspiration. I’ve become a Jersey shore girl which is funny because who woulda thunk that but perhaps a trip to an ancient place would help excavate some of this ghost in a machine feeling I’ve got going on. It’s not terrible. it’s just not my natural way. (Maybe it’s menopause, sung to the tune of maybe it’s Maybelline).
That said, I’m aware that the only being that can get out of my own way is me. But what I’m saying is the older I get, the more I know to be kind and patient with myself at at times like this. To not push my way out of things or panic or overly strive feverishly towards something I may not even want in the first place but maybe I just want to see if I can “get”. As one marches through life, discernment becomes a defining value. I can’t tell you what relief that is. That’s why having the faith to be patient that change will come when it’s ready and when I’m ready is why I am happy to be still for a second or two. Not much longer, though…life is short.
Or maybe it’s just that weird Aries energy happening. It’s not my favorite. I’m sorry Aries friends. You know how to break my heart in ways that others can’t. Aries peeps just cut different. Ask any sensitive Cancerian. It’s all so harsh.
In accordance with all of this, that and the other, I’ve got not much on the shopping front of interest but for you, I’ve managed to squeeze out a few things I’ve been keeping an eye on for Spring.
Much to my chagrin, I’m obsessed with the oversized fisherman sweater from Jenni Kayne in both oatmeal and black. I can’t help it. It’s just what I’m in the mood for and goes with my comfy/cozy style brief. I make fun of the color oatmeal but truth is, it’s nice for Summer so who am I to poke at it?
Also, these silver sneakers are cute as could be.
These jeans from Madewell make sense to me .
These glasses from Tom Ford are sweet and I would wear them as eye glasses even though they are technically sunnies.
And this slip dress would be great under those Jenni Kayne sweaters or on its own with that lovely neckline. I will never tire of a dress like this.
Fun fact. I recently started brushing my hair again. I know that sounds stupid but it’s true. I’ve always had hair that hating brushing, and wore it in a shag that looked better disheveled than sleek. But lately, I’ve realized that brushing is good for my fine, coming into bob hair,so I bought this gimmicky brush, but am afraid of it. It came with a QR code and sixteen welcome emails with a very “accessible” brand voice which led me down a rabbit hole of directions rivaling an IKEA storage unit and the bristles are jarringly hard and whenever I stick my hand under my sink to grab it, I feel like I’m picking up a baby porcupine. That’s what you get for purchasing something during the middle of the night on the ‘tok.
I don’t know why, but this stick concealer from Jones Road feels like it would be too dry for my mature skin, but I love how I can dab it on my inner top lids where I’m super dark and it helps so much and is creamy even though it’s in pencil form.
Also, David and I are rewatching the entire “Sopranos” canon, and it is even more magnificent this time around. Maybe that’s the real reason I don’t want to leave the house. What a tour de force of family, friendship, and fuckery. I love it so and the acting is so incredibly well done. Just know you too may become a shut-in and also, if you live in an area where Italian provisions are readily available, you could suddenly be craving “gabagool”at all hours.
Then again, it’s an election year. And since I’ve always been a steward of serendipity aka being in the right place at the right time, perhaps this stasis is entirely appropriate given the current political poopfest. When everything feels askew, standing still may be the only way to keep one’s footing. That and watching Tony Soprano, doing pilates, and staring lovingly into my Gidget’s eyes. She makes the present just perfect. This much is true.
So there you have it. My pity party post. It happens to the best of us and I don’t want to be a dreadful bore. I’m just embracing the “what nowness” and hoping for some clarity as I stay close to home and wonder what to do and what to watch next. As the saying goes on the pic at the top of post, without rain, there are no flowers. Needless to say, you’ll be the first to know what blooms, so let it rain. XO
Well being older than you, I will serve as the ghost of Christmans future. No matter what people say or write , swear or "bare their souls" on social media I'm a skeptic. Aging is confusing, confounding, and a quick trip down the "rabbit hole." Everything changes. Youth is a blessing , aging is adjusting both physically and psychologically to limitations that sneak up on you. And trust me there will be limitations. Your mind and body that never let you down ..... will,. What we don't know is the degree and timing. Social media alone wears you out.....so get out, walk a dog, read a book in a cafe, surround yourself with friends. Don't be trapped , get out in the three dimensional world while you can.
I’m there with you — I am on the precipice of 55 and know there’s so much more to life than social media showcasing. I’m pitching a fashion essay collection (takes of love, loss, working in fashion and finding my authentic self all told through what I wore) but even that endeavor to find a book agent feels overly challenging at the moment. I just wrote about burnout in my latest substack newsletter, as I feel it’s so often high expectations that are bringing us down … and wearing us out. Moreso than our age. Hang in there. I hear after this eclipse the lunar issues causing mayhem is going to settle down.