Ugh.
That’s the deep audible yuck that comes from grief-related catharsis. So there’s no easy way to write this, but I lost my fur soul mate last month, the absolute love of my life and sunshine on my shoulders, Khan. As someone who didn’t grow up with dogs, my love and devotion for him and to him took me by surprise. Khan was the perfect dog for David and me, and we loved him every day of our time with him, which began on Halloween of 2010 when we were living in Miami.
Khan’s life was a blessing. He was my golden boy, a precious 12-pound ball of fluff that gazed at me with his googly eyes and lopsided grin. When we were lucky, his snaggle tooth would come out, too. He was the color of carbs and every bit as delicious. Since Christmas of last year, when he got sick, I have been in a near-constant state of anxiety. I worried about losing him 24/7, and the real grieving began when we finally did on 9/11 (of all days). And though the pandemic was a time of grief and loss for many, I was fortunate enough to finally work from home (a dream of mine) and spend the last few years of Khan’s life with him every day. That sentence. Ugh again.
This brings me to change.
I have struggled with change my entire life. Not a change in hair color or length or a new job. I’m talking about those groundbreaking, seminal moments that force you to confront your most authentic self. I wouldn't say I like that kind of change. It keeps me up at night. So adjusting to life without my four-legged angel seemed almost unfathomable. But yet, I’m doing it. I miss him with every single fiber of my being. His soft fur. His figgy smell. He would attach himself to me on the sofa and cause my sciatic nerve to ache because I’d contort myself for his comfort when we would go to sleep at night. In the days following his loss, I stroked the bed where he would sleep between us.
As the Fall emerges and I face life without him, there is relief in all my friends who graciously allowed me to spend an hour or two with their dogs. I swore I would never want a dog again after facing Khan’s lack of presence. The sadness was too much to bear. But surprisingly, I feel different already. I have so much love to give, and I hope one day in the nearish future, I will love a furry baby again. To me, there is simply no love like it, and even in my grief, I’m surprised by my belief that the joy is well worth the pain.
I was given a fantastic book from my uncle called Griffin’s Heart, the epitome of how I feel upon losing my favorite little being. So many sent flowers and notes and cards. I started working with a phenomenal therapist specializing in grief, and she even had the wisdom to bring her fur baby in, who sat in my arms and gave me a tremendous sense of comfort. I also am surprised by how happy it makes me look at all of Khan’s pictures and videos, something I did not think I could do, but my endless documenting of his life is an incredible gift. That and jellybeans. They are also a gift of the comfort food variety. Not surprised I would crave them and Jello pudding in my darkest days, two favorite cheer-up treats from my childhood.
And this fantastic painting of my dear boy by artist Jane Kirby was commissioned a few months ago and arrived just in time to enjoy its new home on my mantle.
The depth of grief is not surprising, given how much I loved him in life. And in many ways, it’s the most authentic emotionally I have felt in many years. I found myself reaching out to friends and being vulnerable, and I sobbed walking down the street and cared not. And I went makeup free for two weeks to honor his life, free of vanity and completely raw and real. Just me and the feelings and the loss.
Now enough about me. Because when it comes to change, I have some fun things for you to keep in the spirit of “change is good” because often, it is. Let’s start on the home front. If you’re like me, you’ll switch things up from time to time for a refresh, particularly when the seasons change. A new moon occurred in Libra on September 25th, and since Libra is all about balance, think about manifesting change in your personal or work life that feels in tune with who you are and where you want to go. And happy Libra season to all, and a special shout out to those fav Libras in my life. You know who you are.
We discovered this rug brand that is so much fun, full of lively color and eclectic optimism. I love the flat weave vibe and a good rug's ability to quickly take your room from blah to ahh.
I’m also OBSESSED with House of Hackney and their new collab with Anthropologie, in particular. In another lifetime or living space, I’m going full English. I’m a big fan of this look, and even though it’s somewhat traditional, it’s just so cool.
We found these vintage horoscope prints by Gerry and Joe Simboli and are mad for them. One Cancer for me. One Libra (husband is one of ‘em) for him. Color is my tempo these days, and I love these designs from 1969.
And to keep a bit with the theme, why not try something paisley this season? It feels so right (I love the hair, too) and is a fab way to go a bit boho chic for Fall. This one is gorgeous, too. Zara is always cool when wanting to tiptoe into a trend without breaking the bank.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t fantasizing about wearing these new Gucci shoes somewhere swish this season. Festivity in foot form, wouldn’t you say? Why not change up your whole game with a fancy new pair of heels?
I was fortunate to meet Adam Reed, the famous hair genius whose British charm had me at hello. His new haircare line is called Arkive, and it’s all about how hair health starts from within and that taking care of your hair can help with your mental health through what I’ll call sensory satiation. I love how his products smell, and that self-care extends to that lovely head on your shoulders. You already know I’m a tremendous fan of changing your hair, so why not start switching up your routine?
I’m also looking forward to the big Matisse Show at my beloved Philadelphia Museum of Art, my childhood second home and place of sheer beauty. I can’t wait to check out all those gorgeous colors and uplifting masterpieces. Matisse has always made me happy; that’s just what the doctor ordered. I hope this life change will result in more travel and seeing and doing many new things. Call it the high price of freedom, but persist I must.
I leave you with this. It’s been a tough time, but I’m looking forward to new adventures and staying in the light. I’m so glad you’re here reading. Let’s all navigate change together with love, compassion, and life. XO
I am so happy to hear you are considering another dog. I will tell you from years of dogs it is the only way to fill a hole that in a Sysiphean way can never be filled. You will love the next one and remind you of what dog love is even though it is not Khan. Dogs make life survivable even in the darkest days they shine light.
Sheri you are amazing...your writing, your honesty and your style...I love this tribute to Khan and glad to hear you are doing a bit better. It takes time. I love that you are open to a new dog at some point. You have so much love to give...I love you dearly